”Relationship is the mirror in which you discover yourself. Without relationship you are not; to be is to be related; to be related is existence”. –
This is how Krishnamurti describes human relationship in his direct and maybe slightly laconic style of writing. Relationships in human societies have been intriguing my mind lately when I have been thinking how I see myself and how others see me. Surely this is a ”thing” that is not permanent, it is a form which is constantly changing. Anyhow, without relationship to things, people, thoughts, gestures, I am not. Let’s take an example: I meet a nice person for the first time and we connect. We create a mutual ”we space” which is essential that we understand us. We get to know each other and that other person is now in my life, in other words exists to me. Before we met, he or she didn’t exist to me. We weren’t related to each other before that and that means we didn’t exist in the same world. This is how relationship creates existence and how every single person has his or her OWN REALITY, own world. We create our worlds. Nothing is the same, we perceive things and other people independently, so we possibly couldn’t say or see how other persons perceive this world. It wasn’t until mankind had developed enough to invent mutual language was there really the possibility of seeing oneself in relation to the other. This happened roughly 10000-20000 years ago while typhonic-magic stage developed to agrarian-mythic stage. Concepts and mental realms developed with symbols and images. People began to differentiate from bodymind to body and mind, they didn’t anymore see themselves as only existence with nature but as separate human beings. This was an inevitable developmental phase, which created it’s own problems. Only after the rational stage developed to the trans-rational and integrated pre-rational mythic stage to rational stage was the separateness able to be integrated; transcending and including our separate selves and integrating our selves to the great web of life. Now this wasn’t the original purpose of this text but you see how sometimes my mind goes a little faster than I write. Let’s get back to the original topic.
Life is experience in relationship. There is no such thing as living in isolation. To me life is relationship, which is expressed through contact with things, with people and with ideas. In understanding relationship we shall have a capacity to meet life fully, adequately. Usually we use relationship as a means of furthering achievement, furthering transformation, furthering becoming. But really, relationship is a means of self-discovery, because relationship is TO BE; it is existence. Relationship is a mirror in which I can see myself. It can bring unconscious shadows into existence and into your consciousness, which can cause anxiety. You see yourself as a mirror, as a reflection of the other, which is really you watching in the mirror. But most of us see in relationship, in that mirror, things we would rather see; we do not see what is. We would rather idealize, escape, we would rather live in the future than understand that relationship in the immediate present.
I have in some of my texts mentioned of Spiral Dynamics, which is a great developmental psychology model. And why I am briefly writing about it here is simply because of the importance of it in relationships and how people at different stages see themselves in relation to other. People at first tier, for example at orange or green vMeme can see only their point of view in that particular stage or wave. This also reflects to the relationships they are in: Relationship with another is often a process of isolation. We are really not concerned with another; though we talk a great deal about it, actually we are not concerned. We are related to someone only so long as that relationship gratifies us, so long as it gives us a refuge, so long as it satisfies us. Put it bluntly and maybe a little sarcastically: If I do not please you, you get rid of me; if I please you, you accept me either as your wife or as your neighbour or as your friend. This is true for most of the 1st tier relationships, which are based on Maslow’s hierarchy’s “wanting needs”. When people evolve and they develop to second tier, now opening them to the spiritual realm, realizing the universal oneness in all, only then can relationship shift from “wanting needs” to “being needs”.
If there is real relationship between two people, which means there is communion between them, then the implications are enormous. Then there is no isolation; there is love and not responsibility or duty. So very often relationship is sought where there is mutual satisfaction, gratification. When you do not find that satisfaction you change relationship. We talk about love, we talk about responsibility, duty, but is there really love when relationship is based in gratification? Now this might become as a shock, but there is no relationship in love. It is only when you love something and expect a return of your love that there is a relationship. When you love, that is when you give yourself over to something entirely, wholly, and then there is no relationship. Only love. Only being in the mutual inter-subjective we space in perfect harmony.
Relationship is self-revelation and love exists only when there is self-forgetfulness, when there is complete communion. After all, we are all one, there is no separateness.